Apple Watch Baby

A guest post by Victoria Pandeirada @vicpand

It happened. I forgot to have an abortion. I kept meaning to, but life kept getting in the way. With all the Russian manicures, cryo recovery facials, reformer pilates classes, after-work drinks, birthdays, it was impossible to find a time to get my walls scraped clean.

It’s not like I didn’t know I was pregnant. I’m not one of those hicks who don’t realize they’re pregnant, and then one day they poop a baby out. Trust me, I knew. I was doing sunshine fasts (you don’t eat from 5am-5pm), so it would be impossible for me to be in a calorie surplus. The second I stopped fitting into my Alo yoga onesie, I knew something was up. Also, my Apple Watch told me. It told me like every day actually.

Every day, I’d look at my wrist and I’d get a greeting updating me on the baby’s size.

Good morning, divine queen. Your hairless little creature is the size of an Airpod today!

Then once it became the size of an Apple HomePod mini, it started actually showing me a direct feed of what was going on in there. It was as if they installed a ring camera in my uterus but the footage was all bad and blurry. At first it was hard to interpret, like a colored ultrasound. Just bright squishy pink and grey creases, pulsing. But the evolution was fascinating. It became like a social media feed for me.

What is she up to today? I’d obsessively check my watch. OMG, an ear is starting to form. Oooh, now a hair patch! Then all of a sudden there was audio, and I could hear her talking. I guess she absorbed all the Call Her Daddy I was listening to, because when she started talking, she was really funny. She was like an embryonic Nikki Glaser.

Yesterday she did a haul of her groceries and reviewed Califia Farms Creamsicle Infused Oatmilk! She’s kind of a captivating storyteller. It’s all mundane stuff about her day to day life, but she does it in this way, where, I don’t know, I probably sound so stupid right now, but she does it in a way where it all sounds easy and like you’re not alone in this world. It’s relatable and charming and wholesome. I honestly kind of fuck with her.

The watch started giving me updates about our future life together too. These slow motion memory slideshows of us having photoshoots with Train playing in the background would play for me. It’s so weird, because I love Train too. Once I touched the lead singer’s hand at a John Mayer concert. I guess what they say about children is true; they absorb your memories. I look forward to her everyday as my belly grows.

But I told myself I have my sorority sponsor’s engagement party next week and can’t look fugly, so I made an appointment to get an abortion. I picked out an outfit and everything. But then at the last minute, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave the bed. I literally hit snooze on my alarm because I was bingeing my baby’s Survivor recaps. It was like we were in bed together. So I guess I’m gonna keep it?? I don’t know, I think we’ll vibe together!

Ritam’s Footnote

You touched the lead singer of Train’s hand at a John Mayer concert? Nah 🤣 make it make sense tho…

Nabeel’s Footnote

When you fw the fetus being nourished inside you 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 >>>