Another Investigation
Getting this one in under the wire for 2022—please report to relevant authorities
Raise your hand if you were a damn fiend on Facebook back in the day! Haha! I was a PROBLEM on FB, bro…“Truth Is,” “LMS for a compliment,” “Im gay” and then following up with a comment that said, “got hacked lol”—I did it all. That Facebook Status bar for Nabeel Chollampat has been cookin with gas since 2007, and then took a precipitous fall to abject disuse circa 2014.
One of the best things you could do back in the day was Like various Pages. The act of Liking the Page would pop up on your friends’ Feeds (I’m explaining this like you all don’t know exactly what I’m talking about), and then you could (theoretically) get a big laugh out of your friends for something like, “Nabeel Chollampat liked Sucking the pit of a mango dry.”
Every once in a while now I’ll open the Facebook app, long past its expiration date. There’s still good stuff on it—it’s just that no one cares enough to look. But I find that, nowadays, one finds on Facebook not answers so much as more questions. Specifically, this one question that now haunts me: why did University-of-Memphis-basketball-legend-NBA-Rookie-of-the-Year-and-eventual-bust-Tyreke-Evans’ verified Facebook Page switch to becoming a meme aggregator account run by what seems like a click farm in Indonesia?
This, I must say, is a fascinating career pivot for a man who at one point was my favorite player in the NBA. For no real reason at all.
I unfortunately haven’t received a reply yet, but will update you all when I do.
This curious situation got me, as they say, Thinking: have my other Liked Pages switched up on me? When the desolated wasteland of Facebook became a junkyard for greedy meme accounts trying to make a quick buck, how many Pages stayed true to their original mission (making my boys laugh in the privacies of their own homes), and how many were bitchmade?
Well, here’s what we’ve found at Low Lift Ask. Facebook now helpfully provides you with this:
And the answer, one I didn’t want to know was true, was right in front of me:
Fuck…fuckfuckfuck. Fuck! This is so sad. Here were the worst offenders.
This just goes to show that nothing is sacred in this life, my dear friends. Nothing. Every tiny little part of life that you love will eventually be peddled by content aggregators selling their pathetic wares. Trust no one, and Happy New Year. God Bless America. God Bless the USA. God Bless us All. Stay Woke.
Ritam’s Footnote
Hello from the beautiful communist-run state of Kerala, India
