Alfred Nobel: the most Peaceful, Chemical, Physical, Medicinal, and Literary man of all time. Or was he? That’s right: beneath Nobel’s gleaming, beardy exterior lies an explosive truth: he invented dynamite, shattering the lives of Wile E. Coyotes and ore-rich mountaintops everywhere, as well as gentrifying John Henry out of his métier. He also owned the Norweigan company Bofors, which begs the question “what’s Bofors?” setting you up for the Deez Nuts fascist humiliation ritual. So we devised an alternative to his so-called “prize.”
Here at Low Lift Ask headquarters, we’ve spent months in deliberation of this year’s Askies. We don’t just hand these awards out. They represent the recognition of the peak of the pinnacle of the summit of the apex of the consummation of the epitome of the culmination of the climax of a zenith that few, if any, can hope to match.
Best Ringtone 💍🎵
iPhone - Strum
Nothing hits like Strum. You hear Strum, you house an Eggo waffle laden with Smart Balance and marmite, sprint down the driveway to the bus, violin bouncing in hand, jankily do your math homework on there, etc. Nothing hits like Strum.
Best Small Moment of Gratitude
Daily Rituals
It’s the daily rituals for me fam!!! If I’m gratitude pilled I best be daily ritual maxing you know what I mean???
Best Occult Practices
Daily Rituals
See above 🤣 Christians need not apply type beat…
Best Substack
Substack
Fohhhh. You thought I was going to list a newsletter? Substack is the name of the company.
Worst Substack
Texting
Makes sense; texting isn’t Substack at all!
Worst Writer
Nabeel
Sorry bro—I calls em like I sees em. Turns out your prose is overwrought and riddled to the core with MFA tropes, such as understanding sentence structure, paying attention to flow, and knowing many words. Better luck next year, old chap!
Best Writer
Ritam
Wow—thank you for this incredible honor. It’s not often that people regard my literary genius for what it is: there. My debut novel Experiments in Curry: Reflections on Life from the Mind of A Misunderstood Indian Gifted Kid (2nd edition) will be available in hardcover next year for only $75.43.
Nabeel’s Footnote
Somehow Ritam keeps finding that same guy to use as a picture of me. Who is he…