A Troisgros In Brooklyn
An Ecological Study
I stumbled upon a little plant shop in Red Hook a while ago.
They were selling large, room-filling plants for $25. I bought a tree on the spot, and it was delivered to my apartment soon thereafter.
I love the tree. And with its help, I’ve embarked on an intense project of ecological restoration that will eventually return my abode to its natural state.
Step 1: Create a thriving forest floor ecosystem.
Look at this diagram. Featuring power players such as “weasel,” “slug,” and “detritus feeders,” it presents a veritable paradise of ecosystic symbiosis. But how does one achieve such beautiful harmony within the confines of a minimalist, tech-enabled, Wirecuttered, warmvibed, Dysonified, personality-free Brooklyn apartment? Simple.
Ah. A blanket of Fallen Leaves (2023). Of course. And so the great work must begin.
Soon, the leaves will decompose into a delicious blanket of humus, coating my apartment in a dank earth. All manner of natural life will breed—worms and voles and shrews and badgers and snakes and rocks and toads and centipedes and monkeys and elephants. Wildlife will have returned to Brooklyn, and it will be glorious.
Step 2: Manipulate the atmosphere to optimal conditions.
I have succeeded in the secondary goal of environmental restoration—to achieve a natural and healthy climate in the chosen ecosystem. High humidity and frequent rainfall are necessary to catalyze decomposition, and I’m pleased to demonstrate the results of my work.
Step 3: Exploitation, Round 2.
Now that I’ve successfully restored nature to a thriving state, it’s time to get in there and pick and choose what to harvest and sell for money. My plan? Build up my ecosystem enough to support a thriving colony of bonobos.
Once there’s enough of them, I’m gonna become the biggest supplier of chinos on podcast ads imaginable.
If only my toilet still wasn’t flushing properly. You could’ve taken a video of that—or the toilet not flushing properly. You could’ve taken a video of a weak, malfunctioning toilet flush and put it in this newsletter about how the apartment is taking a beating. And then somehow incorporated the video of my old toilet not flushing properly into the whole bit.