Hello!

First, we’re happy to announce our community has reached saturation—we won’t be accepting any new members, nor will anyone be allowed to leave. To all new members of the Rotonda West HOA: welcome. We think you’re going to like it here.

We have some announcements, so we’ll run through those real quick:

1. Happy Birthday to our oldest member! Heidi Johnson turned 112 years old this fall, and we wish her many more years of participating in Rotonda-West-approved activities! Just a reminder that golfing, power walking, and hip surgery are all allowed by the HOA: you just need to have a permit. Heidi, you so old that you don’t even remember 9/11!

2. Just a quick reminder for anyone who may have forgotten:

   

3. We’ve noticed some of our residents are getting political during this season of politics. We’d like to encourage residents to keep their political views to themselves, and instead of lawn signs for specific candidates, we’ll be handing out “awareness” brooches that look like this:

   

   Residents are required to wear these brooches at all times, including when they’re sleeping in the nude. It’s imperative that you wear this brooch whilst sleeping in the nude.

4. We’ve noticed that some residents haven’t been attending Community Church on Sundays. We’d like to stress that in order to live in Rotonda West, you must attend Community Church on Sundays. You wouldn’t want to fall out of favor with Lord Zalgorp, now, would you? You want to end up in the Bettersphere, right?

5. If you’re going to call the police on a nonwhite person walking through your neighborhood, we ask that you refer to them as a “BIPOC.”

6. As many of you know, our community was constructed to look like a pizza for one specific reason—to appease Lord Zalgorp’s ravenous hunger when he returns from the Nethersphere to cast fire across this Earth. We’d like to be clear: you must be comfortable with being eaten at a moment’s notice. As you all know, the houses are cheese, the trees are the broccoli, and the humans are the pepperoni. It is vital that we be the pepperoni on Lord Zalgorp’s pizza. Only then will we go to the Bettersphere in the next life.

7. Congratulations to Jennifer P. for winning Bingo at the Rotonda West Weekly Bingo Night last night! We’re very proud of you, Jennifer. Jennifer has won an all-expenses paid trip to Rotonda North, our sister community in the Arctic. She won’t be returning. Goodbye, Jennifer!

   

8. Some of you have been questioning whether or not the Bettersphere really exists. We at the HOA board can assure you it exists—in fact, Lord Zalgorp recently e-mailed us some photographs of the Bettersphere. While he isn’t the best photographer, the message are clear: we want to be spending eternity in the Bettersphere. We’re including some of the clearest photos below.

   

   

   

   

9. We’re having a special visitor tomorrow! It’s Jay from Modern Family!

   

10. Please buy our history book to learn more about us! Here’s one fascinating excerpt you may enjoy:

    The environment was another problem for developers.“Ecology” became a new buzz word, as did “wetlands.” The newly-found interests of eagles, scrub jays, gopher tortoises, sea turtles and certain snakes now had to be addressed. This retarded construction in Rotonda West. Huge changes had to be made to Rotonda West’s biggest original development plans, in terms of both scale, and timing.

    We at the HOA love our history, and the history of all American Suburbs! It is this history, and our years of culture and tradition, that make us the perfect candidates to be eaten by Lord Zalgorp when he returns from the Nethersphere.

11. Lord Zalgorp has sent us a photograph of himself in the Nethersphere. If you see this man, it means He has returned! Glory be!

    

Nabeel’s Footnote

Wonder what’s in the center of the circle. It’s probably the Capitol, where President Snow (or maybe his successor, Alma Coin) resides. Each pizza slice is a District. And how did they get the circle so perfect? Probably used a protractor, if I had to guess…